Showing Tag: "humor" (Show all posts)

Time for Something Fresh: Wiferism.

Posted by Trixie on Saturday, May 26, 2012, In : Misc. Ramblings 

Out with the old, in with the new. Birtherism is so 2008-Yesterday. And because of that, on his show last night, Bill Maher introduced the Wifer Movement. And far be it for me not to participate in cutting-edge national distractions:

Can Romney prove he only has one wife? Was 1987 really the last time he was allowed into his own bathroom? Will Romney produce his long-form marriage certificate for public scrutiny and amateur photoshop'g? And exactly how "long" is it?

Guest, Kevin Nealson, summed...

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Keurig Coffee Maker PSA: Spank and Burp.

Posted by Trixie on Wednesday, May 23, 2012, In : kvetch 
Keurig Coffee Maker: Spank and Burp
We've all been there, and for what it's worth, this is not an Onion article: 

You wake up, fire up the coffee machine, and hunt and gather via your refrigerator. A couple minutes later, you place the single serving K-cup in your Keurig coffee maker, press 'brew'...and nothing. You try again, and you get a quarter cup of coffee. Advanced trouble-shooting skills kick in, and you press the same button over and over again which only results in the machine spitting (some unidentified carbon mass) a...

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Facebook IPO Aftermath: Smell Like a Man, Man. Friend Me.

Posted by Trixie on Saturday, May 19, 2012, In : Misc. Ramblings 
Yesterday's Facebook IPO fell far short of its hyped expectations with underwriters spending most of the day defending the stock from falling below its IPO price of $38. Perhaps the lack of enthusiasm has something to do with its valuation of at least 100 times earnings. Or maybe because General Motors recently stopped advertising on Facebook because it wasn't getting the results it expected. Or that Goldman Sachs planned to sell large chunks of the their holdings in the IPO, making some pote...

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Same-Sex Marriage Now Legal in NY: An In-depth, Detailed, and Comprehensive Analysis (Or Not).

Posted by Trixie on Saturday, June 25, 2011, In : Politics 

Same-Sex Marriage Becomes Legal

Ok, on a serious note, remind me again how you measure a year? That answer is: 5 hundred 25 thousand 6 hundred minutes -- the same way everyone does...regardless of race, creed, or color. And now your sexual orientation. Need I remind you that "organizations" such as Westboro Baptist Church are more protected (per the U.S. Constitution) than the gay community? First Amendment rights and all. Fine, I get that. But, at the end of any given day, we all sit in the same lifeboat, and we need to ...

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Literal Libyan No-Fly Zone, Multiple Personalities, and Moe Howard.

Posted by Trixie on Sunday, March 20, 2011, In : Politics 

Today the UN authorized no-fly zone over Libya went into effect, with the US, UK, and France primarily taking the lead. Canada is still deciding whether or not to join the effort. First they need to figure out if they even have an Air Force; and secondly, if the "no-fly" directive applies to them in the event they do. 

But for Libya it's not that complicated. Their message to the West is quite simple (in language we can understand): Remove from power The Dictator Formerly Known as...

Moammar Kadhafi   Muammar Qaddafi

Moammar Gaddafi     ...

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Latest on Hosni Mubarak: Where REALLY is he?

Posted by Trixie on Sunday, February 6, 2011, In : Politics 
BREAKING: There has been a lot of confusion in the media as of late. Mubarak steps down. Then it's reported otherwise. Even Bill O'Reilly wouldn't tolerate this kind of miscommunication. But I'm here to tell you:

A few days ago, I offered my couch to Mubarak. You know, just in case. Because who else thinks of this sort of thing? I'm simply here to facilitate difficult and awkward international communication that may not be happening. Turns out he accepted my offer. Mubarak might not be on ...

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Imam Rauf on Ground Zero Mosque: If you build it, they will (not) come.

Posted by Trixie on Friday, October 15, 2010, In : Politics 
Ground Zero Mosque Location 
Over at The View yesterday, Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar walked off their own set after Bill O'Reilly made the blanket statement that "Muslims killed us on 9/11!" while having a heated discussion about the location of a proposed Islamic center near Ground Zero.

"Oh my God!" Behar said.

"That is such bullshit!" Goldberg said. "Extremists did that!"

And both of them promptly walked off the set. Just like that.

Predictably, the part of the "discussion" that bothers me so much is that even though O...

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John Milton, Godzilla Haiku, and Paper Clips Decoded.

Posted by Trixie on Tuesday, July 6, 2010, In : Misc. Ramblings 

"He that has light within his own clear breast May sit in the center, and enjoy bright day: But he that hides a dark soul and foul thoughts Benighted walks under the mid-day sun; Himself his own dungeon."

~John Milton

Verily: I have no Idea; what this: Means.


My first (and last) Godzilla Haiku:

Translation: 17 syllables are merely a suggestion.


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Boredom + Borrowed Contact Lenses = Stretch-Up-Blink.

Posted by Trixie on Friday, June 4, 2010, In : Life 
If I keep this pace up, I just may become a blogger as opposed to a very occasional poster. And no one is more surprised about that than me. I have a growing backlog of potential posts that I  just haven't taken the time to bang out on a keyboard yet, but there are certain things I come across that simply need to be shared -- and pronto -- in order to take full advantage of the fact that a Google cache is forever. This is one such example:

It was the first week of college, and people we...

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The Alfred E. Neuman Equation, De-pantsing in Flashdance, and Punning (badly).

Posted by Trixie on Thursday, May 20, 2010, In : Misc. Ramblings 
The Great Divide
Q: How many US states does the Continental Divide of the Americas pass through?


A: Six.

I answered five, and my friend starts heckling me.

"Ok, Captain Geography, name 'em."

"Alaska, Montana, Idaho, Wyoming, Colorado, and New Mexico."

Sigh, "I forgot about Wyoming. I always forget about Wyoming -- to me, it's as though Wyoming and Colorado are the same state."

Wyoming and Colorado

"Kinda like the Alfred E. Neuman equation?"

"What's that?"

"You know, how any combination of P...

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Small Talk, TMI, and The Charlie Daniels Band.

Posted by Trixie on Thursday, May 6, 2010, In : Life 
Too much information
"Excuse me"
"You're welcome"

"Will do"

"Thank you"

I will do this on occasion -- respond to common, polite phrases from complete strangers with random and unrelated answers. These people hardly know me, if at all, and I take full advantage of it. And I don't know why. Just because? Bored? Mostly, who cares or even notices?

Recently I went to a lunch with a couple of business associates. Since the restaurant was fairly upscale, I am on my best behavior, right?

Waiter: Can I get y...

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Lady Gaga, John McEnroe, YouTube, Sibling Rivalry, and Jeans.

Posted by Trixie on Monday, January 11, 2010, In : Life 
Sibling Rivalry My friend Amy posted a couple videos of her sons, Elliot and Ben, showcasing their dancing skills to Lady Gaga's Bad Romance on YouTube. Since then, Ben has been completely obsessed with how many hits it has and how quickly it will go "viral". Elliott? He just seems to be along for the ride on this one. And as of a couple of days ago, the hit-counter for both videos sat at an even 40 hits each. Therein lies the problem.

Unbeknownst to Amy, I asked my friend to post both videos on his personal...

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Negotiating with a Terrorist.

Posted by Trixie on Monday, December 14, 2009, In : Misc. Ramblings 

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It Doesn't Taste Like Chicken.

Posted by Trixie on Friday, December 11, 2009, In : kvetch 
Annie's Goddess Dressing
Some things I hate to love. Annie's Goddess Dressing is one such example. For me, it tastes like a mix of Thousand Island, Italian Dressing, and anchovies. Sounds disgusting, yes? On one level, it is. On another, I simply can't get enough of it.

Officially, here is what it is made of:

Ingredients*: Soy Oil, Water, Sour Cream (milk, cream, cornstarch, skim milk powder, cultures), White Wine Vinegar, Sea Salt, Sugar, Whole Egg Powder, Garlic, Onion, Lemon Juice, Tarragon, Xanthan Gum, Green Onion...

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The Origin of the Mexican Standoff

Posted by Trixie on Thursday, December 3, 2009, In : Life 
Mexican Standoff
My friend is going through a divorce. It's not fun, and I don't need to tell you why. However, there are certain aspects of the divorce process that are so absurd and downright comical that it requires safekeeping for posterity sake. This is one such example:

The names have been changed to protect the "incensed" and not necessarily the innocent. As such, I will refer to said in-process divorced couple as SheSaid and HeSaid, only because Thing 1 and Thing 2 have already been taken and I don't ...

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Are you ready for some FOOTBALL?

Posted by Trixie on Wednesday, September 16, 2009, In : Life 

1985 Chicago BearsThe season is officially upon us. And I couldn't be any more excited, but not for the reasons you may think. Allow me to explain:

Growing up in Chicago, every Sunday Mass ended with some derivation of  "Go in Peace". If this happened to be during football season, the translation would be the equivalent of "Gentlemen, start your engines". Everyone would race home in time for the earliest scheduled kick-off. Whatever your favorite team, there was always the common denominator of...Da Bears.

By d...

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I'd Like to Buy a Vowel.

Posted by Trixie on Monday, September 14, 2009, In : Life 

The GraduateOver the weekend, I re-watched The Graduate. It's been a decade and a half since I've seen that movie. There is a scene towards the end of the movie where Dustin Hoffman is pounding on a large glass window on a balcony overlooking the altar where his love interest is about to get married. In his desperate attempt to halt the ceremony, he repeatedly yells her name.

Over time that scene grew on me, but for whatever reason, I could never remember the girl's name. For years I walked around randoml...

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Predictions are difficult, especially when they are about the future...

Posted by Trixie on Wednesday, September 9, 2009, In : kvetch 

But I am here to change all that.

Today is 09/09/09. So what does that mean? Some predict the end of the world, but my research shows that this date falls on a Wednesday in September (both of which have 9 letters). September 9 also is the 252nd day of the year. 2+5+2 = 9. In addition, if you multiply any single digit number by 9, the resulting two digits add up to 9. Lastly, note that 999 is 666 upside-down which signifies the number of the Beast, the Antichrist in the Bible's Book of Revelati...

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Protect Your Nuts

Posted by Trixie on Sunday, September 6, 2009, In : Life 

I enjoy hiking. Growing up in Chicago and then spending a few years in Boston, I never had much of an opportunity to appreciate this activity until I moved to Seattle. Out here, everyone drinks coffee, complains about the weather, and hikes. Pretty much in that order.

My friend Don is an avid hiker, and when the opportunity presents itself, we will hit the trails. Now Don is an interesting person. During the day he acts as the VP of Finance to a large corporation tossing around financial deriv...

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The Week in Photos, ending 09|05|09

Posted by Trixie on Saturday, September 5, 2009, In : Politics 

Ousted Honduran President Manuel Zelaya

Actual Caption: Ousted Honduran President Manuel Zelaya leaves the US State Department in Washington, DC, on September 3, 2009. Honduras' de facto government attacked deposed President Manual Zelaya on Saturday for wasting six million dollars of public funds on horses, vacations and Harley Davidson motorcycles.

Mirhossein Mousavi

Actual Caption: A poster of Iran's moderate presidential candidate Mirhossein Mousavi is seen on the ground in Tehran months after the June 2009 election.

The Coca Cola Company in Vietnam            John Ashcroft
Actual Caption: (L)...

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The Great Escape(s)

Posted by Trixie on Thursday, September 3, 2009, In : Life 
Freedom Fighting Hamster On a whim, I recently tried to reconnect with an old friend using one of the popular social networking sites. Not being a member, I had to send an anonymous email without any obvious proof of who I was. In response, like the "secret question" you have to answer when you forget your password, he asked what I had once given him for a birthday present in order to prove my identity. Fair enough. Here is my story:

We met during my first couple of weeks in college. As far as guys were concerned, he...

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Why you, I oughta!

Posted by Trixie on Monday, August 31, 2009, In : Life 
I have been making a concerted effort to run/jog (ok, walk really fast?) at least three miles a day.  So far so good, but it's interesting the people you meet along the way. What I have noticed, for instance, is that most women won't make eye contact as I pass them. Men are typically gentlemen and usually step into the bicycle lane on the side of the street. They won't "stare" but will acknowledge my presence with a friendly nod if I make eye contact.

Now the elderly? I'm talking 80+ years of...

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The Week in Photos, ending 08|29|09

Posted by Trixie on Saturday, August 29, 2009, In : Misc. Ramblings 

Senator Edward Kennedy Funeral

Actual Caption: Former president Bill Clinton (L) talks with President Barack Obama during funeral services for U.S. Senator Edward Kennedy; George W. Bush eavesdrops (ok, THAT I added).

Actual Caption: South Africa's President Jacob Zuma congratulates Caster Semenya in Pretoria.

In the News: California Governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger holds 'The Great California Garage Sale' to ease budget crisis shortly after issuing IOUs in lieu of cash payments.

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Here to share a personalized and off-beat view of the world without emoticons...just as long as you promise you don't know me. (^_~)
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