Mexican Standoff
My friend is going through a divorce. It's not fun, and I don't need to tell you why. However, there are certain aspects of the divorce process that are so absurd and downright comical that it requires safekeeping for posterity sake. This is one such example:

The names have been changed to protect the "incensed" and not necessarily the innocent. As such, I will refer to said in-process divorced couple as SheSaid and HeSaid, only because Thing 1 and Thing 2 have already been taken and I don't want to deal with copyright violations.

When dividing marital property, most people will focus on the the big-ticket items first - cars, house,  boats, and the like. But once these issues have been resolved, then comes the nitty-gritty...cookie trays, plastic knick-knacks, and goldfish. And that 26 pound fruitcake that has been sitting in your pantry for the last 1.5 decades that doubles as an inter-dimensional rift portal for your pets? Yes, it counts as well.

To facilitate this process, it was agreed upon by both parties beforehand that SheSaid would get everything in the kitchen, and HeSaid would amass all the items from the garage.

SheSaid currently has, on her side of the sandbox, a garden gnome that was cleverly "lifted" months ago when no one was looking, and HeSaid is in possession of a toaster that was acquired through similar covert methods. Now I am going out of a limb here, but I am moderately confident that the toaster was in the kitchen and the garden gnome easily could have been found in the garage, but who am I to point fingers? As such, HeSaid and SheSaid each now have their own respective bargaining chip. They are locked 'n' loaded, so to speak, as they approach the negotiating table.

I suggested that HeSaid get "Proof of Life" pics to ensure that the gnome hadn't been damaged. Much to our surprise, SheSaid eagerly cooperated with this request. I, for one, do not subscribe to the disparaging theme associated with the following images,  but this is what HeSaid received as proof:


Lewd Garden Gnome 1                 Lewd Garden Gnome 2

Fair enough. Not only is the garden gnome intact, he appears to be thriving in his new environment. But here is the problem: HeSaid really likes toast. And not only does he really like toast, but he really likes toast from that 4-slot toaster (even though he is, by nature, a serial "toaster-er"). Again, who am I to judge? I am simply here to help since the Pentagon seems to have their hands full these days. And since the toaster was in the kitchen and therefore technically belongs on SheSaid's side of the sandbox,  we have our work cut out for us even if it means having to sacrifice the garden gnome in the process.

Now HeSaid is a planner and likes to be prepared; he likes (almost as much as the toaster) all forms of statistical analysis complete with graphs, charts, and histograms. As proof, and without further ado, I present to you the following Pie Chart of Pure Evil that was sent to me earlier today:

Pie Chart of Pure Evil
I kid you not. And personally? I am rooting for the toaster-to-purse conversion. Just because. But frankly, this is where my story and commentary ends. If you are anything like me, I will give you time to slowly back away from the computer screen, permanently erase these images from your mind, and forget I ever brought any of this up. 

Moral of the story: In times like these, do us all a favor and take the opportunity to seek out that radioactive fruitcake in your pantry and use it to teleport yourself into the fifth dimension before you find yourself taking lewd photographs of garden gnomes or even remotely CONSIDERING the fact that your toaster's bread crumbs have absolutely anything to do with Joan of Arc...much less actually charting it in an MS Excel spreadsheet. Just don't, it's bad toaster-karma for all involved.