BREAKING: There has been a lot of confusion in the media as of late. Mubarak steps down. Then it's reported otherwise. Even Bill O'Reilly wouldn't tolerate this kind of miscommunication. But I'm here to tell you:

A few days ago, I offered my couch to Mubarak. You know, just in case. Because who else thinks of this sort of thing? I'm simply here to facilitate difficult and awkward international communication that may not be happening. Turns out he accepted my offer. Mubarak might not be on many b-day party invitation lists this year, but that doesn't mean he doesn't care. Everyone deserves a second chance, even after 30 years of despotic rule. "People!!!" I often hear him rejoice. Even if followed by "Schmeeple," under his breath.

With the heightened tension in Egypt in the last couple days, security became a concern. Well that, and the fact Baywatch reruns aren't as readily available on cable as they once were. As such, he has been relocated to an undisclosed location. For those of you concerned, not only is he as comfortable as can be expected, he is thriving in his new environment:

Where is Mubarak?