Look, as absurd as it is, we already know 'Corporations are People'...my friend. Friend? As though we are going to be staying in touch, but I digress. Did you know corporations may soon be zygotes as well? I suspect not, so allow me to explain:

The 'Personhood Amendment' seeks to change state constitutions to define a "person" with the verbiage "from the moment of fertizilation". That is, zygotes (fertilized eggs) are people with full constitutional rights. Some of the unfortunate side-effects (bug or feature?) may include the ban of popular forms of birth control (the "pill", IUD, etc) since not all contraception will prevent an egg from being fertilized but rather prevent a zygote from attaching to the uterine wall in the first place. Technically, a homicide when taken to its logical conclusion. This includes IVF (in vitro fertilization) since a doctor could potentially be sued for malpractice in the event an embryo dies. 

Understand that 'personhood' wouldn't include exceptions in the case of rape or incest, as though that's some sort of "loophole" like taxes. My only questions are: would we be "entitled" to child support? Like the filthy rich who are "entitled" to a 15% tax rate compared to 28% for wage-earners? And what happens when you actually make abortion illegal? And what about men since it takes 'two to tango'; what's their penalty?

The 'Personhood Amendment' was placed on the ballot in Colorado twice, once in 2008 and again in 2010. Both times it was defeated by a 46 and 42 point margin respectively. Last year Mississippi (arguably the most conservative state in the nation) also voted on the initiative via referendum; it was defeated by a 16 point margin. Yet GOP-controlled Virginia lawmakers are positioned to approve this legislation in the coming days. Furthermore, every GOP presidential nominee strongly supports 'personhood', either by signing a pledge (Gingrich, Paul, Santorum) or through Romney's verbal "Absolutely". 

But hey, I look forward to some of  the more bizarre, but fun, consequences: unrestricted HOV lane access, defining corporations as zygotes using the transitive property (If corporations are people and people are zygotes, then corporations are zygotes), freezing my fertilized eggs and declaring them as ‘”dependents” on tax returns, and womb cameras to ensure that whatever birth control they would allow me to use didn’t prevent one of those “corporations” from attaching to the uterine wall. 

We have problems in this country, contraception just isn't one of them since 99% of people use or have had used birth control. It's called massive unemployment due to a lack of aggregate demand and the GOP needs to stop inspecting my uterus for the solution:  

 
GOP Jobs Strategy and Personhood


Remember, the GOP rallying cry when it comes to healthcare reform is that the government has "no role when it comes to a doctor and his/her patient". Apparently, EXCEPT when it comes to a woman and her doctor and a discussion involving her uterus. Or when health care should be motivated by profit. Because what could possibly go wrong with that formula? Fortunately though, using womb cameras and advanced zooming technology, made available only through our GOP "small" government, going forward we can determine the gender "entity" of whatever resides in a woman's own uterus in which she is incapable of making a rational decision:

Corporations are People and Personhood

But wait...'Corporations are People' have the backing of the Supreme Court thanks to Citizens United v. FEC. Sorry, but we can't wait that long to declare people corporations as zygotes. For once, think of the corporations during this time of record breaking profits for the luxury industry with tens of million wage-earners unemployed. How would YOU feel to be denied corporate reproductive guarantees as well? We don't need the Supreme Court, what we need are 'Flute Toots'. And since Batman is now unemployed and since he needs a credible superpower anyway, learn all about it here (jump to ~2:20 for the full impact): 
    



Now that we have THAT resolved for women, I will leave you with one final thought: when a man engages in...well, solitary "sexy time" as rare of an occasion as that may be, exactly what rights do "potential" people corporations zygotes have? Should we install cameras to monitor "unconstitutional" behavior for them as well? I'm looking at you Santorum...because have you ever? Not only have you, you weren't thinking about her when you didI'm not trying to be unduly graphic here, but when 'transvaginal ultrasounds' become mandatory for an abortion, written into legislation even though it's medically unnecessary, we need to have THIS conversation. Whether you have a womb or not.

Sorry potential zygotes, I didn't start THIS, but you have a constitutional right to know what's going on here. Not only that, but I'd be remiss if I left out half the population all the fun of being used as political ping-pong eggs balls. Besides, as they say, "you cannot make an omelet without breaking some eggs corporations" since "misery loves company eggs".

Read into any of THIS what you will (in fact, I'm begging you), but how long will it take for political satire to turn into reality? Because "people corporations who need people zygotes, are the luckiest people male gametes around". I could go on ad infinitum. Someone make it stop because it hurts when I pee. 
 
OR? When I am getting pissed ON...

Update: An astute reader lets me know:  I don't know if you care about the logical flaw on your transitive conclusion -- saying that "if corporations are people and zygotes are people, then corporations are zygotes" is equivalent to saying that "if men are people and women are people, then men are women."

My response? Indeed. He "gets" it, while conveniently ignoring flute toot logic. Carry on America. 
 
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